Fear, Then Shame

Fear Then Shame

His constant invasion of my space triggered me.  His constant eyes.  His turning up wherever, whenever I was… yesterday it just became too much.

The racing pulse, the trembling hands, the shaking voice… No, he didn’t do anything atrocious.  Yet.

But that constant gaze reminds me every time… he could.

But it’s what came afterwards that took me to my knees, in the quite of my room, locked away from such prying eyes.

The shame.

I told myself a very long time ago I would never be a victim again, I would never feel such fear again.  I would never let it take me to a place of stammering idiocy – again.

And yet, yesterday I failed.

Shame then became the second, and most painful cut.

After everything I’ve learned, and all that I can do, there is no logical reason to be afraid… I tell myself.  But I am.  Terry Crews was too.  I remind myself… and it helps.

It’s not about what you can do… I also tell myself.  Because if Terry Crews, a powerful giant of a man, felt shaky too… then perhaps I’m not so weak.  Perhaps this shame I am lumping upon myself is just plain wrong, and stupid, and more than that… dangerous.

Because I am not my fear.

I am the woman that has risen above every challenge thrown at her.  And with a touch of grace, I might add.

I am not my fear.  Therefore shame no longer has a hold on me.

 

La Fée

08/23/2018

 

©  Odyne La Fée 2018

 

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